“Oil and Ice Skates”
One quote that made a lasting impression on me comes from… Ice-T!!! Years and years ago, I recall watching Ice Loves Coco and he said, “If you’re willing to accommodate the other one’s kinks, you’re gonna take that sex to another level. If my wife wants me to come into the room wearing oil and gliding in on ice skates, then that’s what I’ll do”. He goes on to say that when you have a fantasy or something you desire to try, you should make the request, have a discussion around it, and consider doing it. When your mate makes the request, it is apparent that they have been thinking about it. Therefore, if the act is not being followed through, it’s not going to make them think about it any less… and they’ll likely associate it with being vulnerable, ashamed, and rejected.
I am grateful that my mate and I have always had pretty great communication when it comes to sexual acts. Although there may be hesitation at times, taking a deep breath and going more into detail about whatever the request is makes the act not seem so fearful. I know it took a lot of convincing earlier on for my husband, (then boyfriend at the time), to be more spontaneous because I lived for the thrill of being outdoors or pretty much anywhere, not being so discrete. He truly was so bashful and nervous – he really felt like we would get picked up by the authorities and thrown in jail for years. Little by little, we explored more and now it’s him initiating and bringing destinations to my attention when he thinks we can get away with… what a rush!!!
The communication piece is one of the most important parts of this equation. This is truly not to say, “ask and you shall receive anything that you desire”. Perhaps there are steps to take to move towards the fantasy request or a variation of it. We’re hoping to do whatever we can to push you a little further past your typical interests and stretches you outside of your comfort zone in a safe and loving environment.
In NO WAY at all am I saying (nor did Ice-T allude to), “if you don’t do it, then someone else will”, type it mentality. If that is directly where the mind goes or your partner does stray and uses that as an excuse, then one has to think that there is more going on in the relationship and this is being used as a scapegoat. Communication is key in ALL of this.
Making requests and communicating can obviously be applied to regular day to day interactions outside of the bedroom. Can you imagine making a request to help out around the house more or even acknowledge an annoying trait and the other person blows it off completely?!? How crushed would you feel to not be heard?!? It may be equally or more anxiety ridden for a request in the bedroom to be denied and leave you feeling like a weirdo or freak. Having desires and fantasies does not mean that you’ll be opening up Pandora’s box and going down a slippery slope of other far out requests – “Hey, let’s introduce toys into the bedroom”, does not mean the next or future request will be to have a threesome with an alien (unless, that is a desire and well, you better go costume shopping and learn a coded language).
A few examples:
I had a client once share with me a request that their husband made of her, “Come to me wearing a bikini and carrying a bottle of Corona”. The request had been made for over 10 years and the wife simply refused to do it. In working with her, it was apparent that there were more things going on and feeling like her needs were not being met in the regular day to day routines. She had been using this request as something she was going to dig her heels in on in retaliation of sorts. This should in no way lead to a tit for tat debate by using sex or any form of affection as a means to change or leverage behavior.
I had another client whose husband asked her to make a sex tape with him… with much reluctance, she followed through with the act and at a later time, they watched it back. Turns out that neither one of them liked how they looked, (perhaps there really is something to leaving it to the professionals). Now, it’s a memory that they share together, can laugh about and shake their heads in disbelief.
THE REFRAME:
1). Your partner feels comfortable enough to share something intimate with you,
2). They want their wildest fantasy to be fulfilled by you,
3). Sharing in a memory of something you both tried together and perhaps implementing that into your bag of go-to’s, (or not)
Channel your inner Ludacris and ask your mate “what’s your fantasy”… share a desire or make a request, in or out of the bedroom and you in turn reveal something. See where the conversation takes you, take a deep breath and CONSIDER to ACCOMMODATE!!!
#Ho30 #Ho30challenge #IcelovesCoco #IceT #Coco #Ludacris #whatsyourfantasy
The Ho 30 Challenge 